When news broke yesterday morning that Paris Hilton was sent home after completing just 72 hours in jail, the story was that she had a medical condition that required her release from prison. But what could that medical condition be?

Well I used my non-professional medical knowledge to come-up with six possible serious medical conditions:

1. Paris is pregnant.
2. Paris has cancer and needs treatment.
3. Paris has appendicitis.
4. Paris got a serious bacterial infection (eg, a staph infection or meningitis - highly unlikely).
5. Paris suffered from a life-threatening blood clot (DVT).
6. Paris suffered a broken bone or other injury requiring a visit to an ER.

I think numbers 2 through 6 have been ruled-out, given that Paris was allowed to return to her house to work out, resume using lotions, play video games, and order take-out. So is she pregnant? I'm just asking. But her lawyer ain't telling.

And if she was released due to a 'psychological condition,' then what the fuck?

Does this mean that in California, complaining that a jail cell is cold is enough to get a fairer sentence (and in an instant)? What judge would allow that? Crying got her sent home? Is this a California thing? I ask because in Massachusetts and New York, crying and shivering does not get you out of prison sooner. A judge would laugh his ass off if someone faxed him a request to release a prisoner. Or the judge might grab his gun if he received the fax at 11pm on Wednesday night.

[I know how my girl reacts is she receives a bullshit page in the middle of the night. Badness. I can't possibly believe a judge received the order and said, "Oh joy! I'll sign this right now! Paris must be freed!! I'm honored to be awakened by this news! It's the most important case in the state!"]

Or was she released without a judge's signature at all? If that's the case, I again ask: What The Fuck?

Let's go to the videotape. From the Associated Press:

The decision by Sheriff Lee Baca to move Hilton chafed prosecutors and Judge Sauer, who spelled out during sentencing that Hilton was not allowed to serve house detention.

Late Thursday, Sauer issued the order for Hilton to return to court after the city attorney filed a petition demanding that Hilton be returned to jail and to show cause why Baca shouldn't be held in contempt of court.

Good. The judge ought to slap him silly. He needs to be fined. But wait:

Baca dismissed the criticism, saying the decision was made based on medical advice.

"It isn't wise to keep a person in jail with her problem over an extended period of time and let the problem get worse," Baca told the Los Angeles Times on Thursday.

"My message to those who don't like celebrities is that punishing celebrities more than the average American is not justice," Baca said.

What was that, asshole? "Punishing celebrities more than the average American is not justice"? Are you on Paris' payroll? You actually think that Paris is being punished more harshly than a non-celebrity? Do you expect her to blow you when this is over? Did she suggest she would? Sucker.

What kind of a state is it where a sheriff can effectively modify a judge's sentence without a signature or the need to explain himself to the bench? Un-be-fukcing-lievable.

What medical advice did Sheriff Baca receive? Paris was diagnosed with being a fucking crybaby? He could have called my house for a diagnosis. Then again, it would have been 2am my time. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[And I don't mean to go even more overboard, but look at the logic. Women in this country complain about interior spaces being cold all the time. You see them wearing sweaters and jackets in movie theaters, offices, and shopping malls. They aren't as addicted to air conditioning as we sweaty men are. But does this mean that complaining about cold spaces is going to grant them special treatment? Can my girl now get a seat in first class if it is too chilly in coach? I'm just asking.]

Golly, this is such a weird sentencing case. Only in California (where a homicide trial lasted over a year, and frivolous lawsuits can survive rounds in court, etc.).

I know one thing: in Massachusetts, which has some of the toughest drunk driving laws in the country, driving while one's license is suspended, even sober, carries some stiff penalties:

- 30 or 60 days in jail, or up to 36 months if the individual has a criminal record and shows signs of violating the law repeatedly. Let's assume Paris would get 30 days. There would be no way to serve the detention at her house. She would have to live in a jail cell, albeit a nice one that resembles a dorm room.

- A fine up to $10,000.

- If one was on probation at the time (as Paris was), the judge can aim for the high-end of the fine scale and extend the jail term beyond the minimum 30 days.

So what Paris got was very similar, right? Her lawyers even got the jail term reduced from 45 days to 23. And what was so bloody difficult about serving that sentence? Her lawyers seem to be behind yesterday's early release, aggressive slime balls that they are. I'm curious to see what is going to go down in the courtroom today. If I were the judge, I would be pissed that my order did not stick for a young woman in good health and deserving of 20+ days in a detention facility.

Of course, her lawyers are doing what lawyers are paid to do - to get her a better deal. They have done a great job, too. So far they have:

1. Reduced her sentence from 45 days in jail to 23 (subject to change in today's court hearing).
2. Arranged for Paris to stay in the 'special needs' wing of the prison, so she would not have to interact with the majority of the 2,000 female inmates there. Also her cell would be slightly more comfy.
3. Successfully portrayed Paris as a victim, who is miserable and unsafe in jail, and therefore deserving of a much more comfortable home detention.
4. Spun the news about her medical condition in such a way that they made it appear that the sheriffs detained Paris for an extra 24 hours after first noticing her serious condition. So they have the audacity to say that she should have been sent home sooner.

Of course I know this IS a small story. We have lost 3,500 troops in Iraq, and counting. There are over a million Iraqi refugees that neighboring countries don't want. Habeas corpus is dead in the USA. The right to a safe abortion is under attack from multiple fronts. And we have the Department of Justice scandal still brewing. But I wanted to point out the madness that is California justice. It is truly mad.